Shit

Today was a pretty shitty day. Getting judged in one of my organizations for being a shitty leader when I mess up once. They pretty told me to step down from my position of authority but I would still have all my responsibilities as that role. Just like my other group I get judged based on how the other people in the group are. Well sorry, for not being able to cook/bake well for our members, and sorry for going out of my way to drive you to get supplies for our events on my days off when I am not even supposed to be in the area, and sorry for giving it my all whenever I am there, and sorry for actually having my priorities straight and putting school first, and sorry for arranging my schedule so I have time for our meeting, and sorry for taking up space at meetings and giving out ideas but never being heard (just like so many other groups of “friends”)…… You know what? I am on the verge of just saying fuck it here is the shit I have for our org. GOODBYE! I do need shit like this when I have so many other important things to worry about. Oh and same goes for those that I call “friends”. Shit, if you invite me to hang out and then pretty much ignore me the entire time and only care about the only other guy in the group, don’t invite me next time. I am sick and tired of being the nice guy in these groups and trying to hold face in front of everyone. There are other people who are more worth the time and energy than you. And I bet if anyone from that org or and of those friends reads this they will use it against me cause they just look at what I do while I am around not everything that I do and have to do outside of the time I am there nor do you really care about any situation I am in……..

Hmmmmm……..

I don’t know I guess this semester there are lots of things that kinda scare me and I guess I am going to list them right here:

I am afraid of dying.

I am afraid of clowns.

I am afraid that if I hold someone too close that I will lose them.

I am afraid that if I rush too fast with a relationship things will end badly.

I am afraid of the future.

I am afraid of hurting people I care about(again).

I am afraid that I won’t be able to protect everyone.

I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle my course load.

I am afraid that I will lose her cause of these fears.

I am afraid to show the real me.

I am afraid of trying new things.

I am afraid of being a fuck up.

I am afraid of letting people down.

So as you can see I am afraid of many things but I am working on overcoming them.

Drift

This is one of the few times when I wish I had a bunch of money. The reason I wish I had money isn’t so much to make myself happy or buy materialistic things, but more so that I could just be a drifter for a couple of days and just go where ever I want just to re-find myself. You know what I mean? I mean right now I guess I am just lost. What I mean by that is that everyday seems the same, just days alone at my house. I don’t even have enough money to get gas to go anywhere right now. I feel so confined being here all the time. I mean sure I have friends that I hang out with down here, its just that we usually end up doing one or more of three things: 1. Get something to eat, 2. Go do some sort of sport, or 3. We drink. And quite honestly, as much fun as it is to hang with them it can get boring because that is everything that we usually do. And as it is that is also another thing it is usually that us GUYS, and the thing is I am not the only one that feels this way with my group of friends in my area. We all agreed that there needs to be females in the group, just for the fact that it will change things up. Most of my friends and I all have girlfriends and not a single one of us would cheat on them, its just we never get any additional input from a different perspective. My friends and I, all usually kind of think the same and it is usually because we are all guys, that is why we need some females in our group. I find this post actually somewhat funny after reviewing it, I started talking about wishing I had money so I could travel and re-find myself to talking about my friends and I. Man, I need to organize my thoughts…

Surprise

I know my last post kinda ended badly but I think I am starting to turn it around kind of. I started dancing again but then I also started gaming more. There are still a lot of things that I am afraid to admit even to certain other people let alone myself. I have had a lot to think about recently during all the things I do, like during my workouts, recording, learning new dances, editing, and preparing for the next school year. And it is also kind of funny how sleep sometimes gives me even more to think about because of the vivid dreams that I have and remember. Now usually during a vivid dream you are supposed to have a conscious control over but, recently I have had a continuous dream that I have absolutely no control over. Like as if it was actually happening in the future. Oh, and for those that are expecting me to go into detail this dream is one of those things that I am afraid to admit…..

Depressed

Yea that is how I have been slightly feeling recently. Its not that I don’t enjoy seeing my dad it’s just seeing him for short amounts of time. Its because his job always involves him having to work over seas in other countries. So, now I don’t really know what to do with myself, I feel slightly out of place with most of my friends, I feel more depressed when I am at home, and I am back to wearing a mask that makes it look like I am fine. The one thing I guess that keeps me going is all the people around me that I care about. I may not even say that I am feeling like this but, they always have something about them that cheers me up a little. Even if I haven’t seen them in almost a month just the mere thought of them cheers me up(even though I don’t type it I know who she is and she knows who she is). I guess this is it for now. But, to all you who read this just know that it is really easy to find something inspirational and keep on moving forward.

Fake

Everyday that I am among friends I put on a smile and act like there is nothing wrong. I just don’t want everyone to be worried that is all. But, each time it gets harder and harder to make everyone believe everything is alright. Truth is that it just seems like nothing is going right for me at the moment. Around everyone I act the complete opposite of how I feel. Very often it just feels like I could break down at any second. One of two of the only times I act exactly how I feel is when it is just my sister and I. The other is when I am with her. When I smile around her it is a real smile. I don’t know, it might be that I am just obsessing over her, I don’t know, I just know that when I am with her all of my troubles just disappear. I guess this is it for now.

Who

Who? Yes, who? I think now after things have been simple it was bound to get complicated, as is how life goes. This is because I think I have started to fall for someone very close to me. Don’t get me wrong there is still the other girl its just that now there is this other girl. The girl that I have just started to fall for, has been there for me through all my lows in life and has always been there to cheer me up. She is one of the sweetest nicest girls I know. Damn why, does this have to be so complicated? The girl that I met over summer, I can just be myself, with her my smile and emotions are real. I just don’t know what to do when I am with her. I am at a loss of words with her and it is just great to be with her. Who ever reads this you can see what kind of predicament I am in. So now I do NOT know what to do anymore?

Issues

Damn, it really hit the fan now. Past couple of weeks have not been friendly to me. I have some pretty big issues. I may or may not go into detail about what those issues are but, I just can’t seen to focus on anything. I can’t even use video games to escape reality, just cause my past is catching up to me. I guess the only reason I am even typing this out is cause of the bottle of scotch that I had…………is now empty. (Yea, I know I shouldn’t be drinking my troubles away.) Its just that……I don’t know…….It is really hard to type this but, it is working a lot better than drinking to forget my past. My past sure is a bitch. All the mistakes I have made and everything I regret doing/not doing is now fucking me in the ass. This is just one of many issues that I have. All I can say is that I am thankful for people like my Sister. She has really helped me through a lot. There is more I want to type but, I just don’t quite know how to word it yet; kinda like how it took me a while to type this up cause I didn’t know how to say it.

Summer

This summer has been one to crazy one. I have recently just meet someone that I enjoy being around. Unfortunately, that just means just as soon as I somewhat figure out my love life things go crazy. However, she does have a boyfriend so that just means she is a distraction. I am actually thinking about telling the girl that I just can’t stop thinking about how I feel. But, I don’t think I will because I don’t want to make things awkward between us if she doesn’t feel the same way. This is just wow. I no longer know what to do except what I do everyday. And what I do everyday is starting to become boring. Things need to change up. I guess we shall see how things go once school starts up again.